I think I'm depressed. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to do anything. I suppose I'm not too depressed to eat, and I can apparently leave the house to buy food (as I haven't starved yet). I worry sometimes that this is becoming too much of a habit. I spend my time alone, doing things some days and other days not doing much of anything. Is it possible to just be this lazy? Is it normal to dread walking from the house to the car or from the car to anywhere else? In the car, somehow, I feel invisible. Out of it, I feel like my fat rolls are out of control--like I need to tug at my clothes and adjust them. I feel conspicuous, big time.
I wonder whether I should try an anti-depressant like my mom and brother have. They seem to be better for it, but I don't know. It doesn't help any that I don't have insurance, 'cause I don't really feel like spending money I don't have to help a "condition" that may be solved with a small dose of mind over matter.
Maybe it's depression with a touch of social anxiety. Maybe it's that I'm a huge, fat sloth and people like me shouldn't leave the house!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
The Push
This just gets better and better. Today Barry called me so that I could look up airfares to Phoenix for him. He wants to meet me there, maybe even go up to Sedona. Of course, this is at least the second time he's invited himself on my vacation with my best friend . . . and it's the second time I remember telling him that I'm going to Phoenix to see HER. I don't understand this attempt at horning in on my plans. So now he's all butt-hurt, and he's going to see if he can just take this load all the way to California. That way he'll pass right through Phoenix. How unbelievably convenient!
I honestly don't get it. What's he afraid of? Is he afraid I might have some fun without him? Is he afraid LeeAnne will get me so drunk I pass out so she can tattoo my forehead? :D I wonder--doesn't he think if I wanted him along on my vacation I would've invited him over a month ago when I made the reservations?
This is an interesting attempt to impose his will on me. If I won't find him airfare, he'll just show up in Phoenix with his truck and then I'll HAVE to see him. I don't like that shit. Of course, I think it's a way for him to be sure I won't contact Sandy while I'm there. Now, I could be blowing that situation out of proportion, but his behavior sure makes me wonder. Any other time he's dying to get "home" to El Paso and hang out with all his buddies, but now he'd rather be implanted firmly in my ass. What's up with that?
I honestly don't get it. What's he afraid of? Is he afraid I might have some fun without him? Is he afraid LeeAnne will get me so drunk I pass out so she can tattoo my forehead? :D I wonder--doesn't he think if I wanted him along on my vacation I would've invited him over a month ago when I made the reservations?
This is an interesting attempt to impose his will on me. If I won't find him airfare, he'll just show up in Phoenix with his truck and then I'll HAVE to see him. I don't like that shit. Of course, I think it's a way for him to be sure I won't contact Sandy while I'm there. Now, I could be blowing that situation out of proportion, but his behavior sure makes me wonder. Any other time he's dying to get "home" to El Paso and hang out with all his buddies, but now he'd rather be implanted firmly in my ass. What's up with that?
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
More and More Lies
Today Barry tells me, "Just so you know, there won't be any more phone calls." Of course I had to ask what that meant, what happened, etc. He says he talked to Sandy yesterday and he told her never to call him again. I said, "Did you call her, or did she call you?" His reply: "I don't remember."
Now . . . if you were ending a wonderful, innocent friendship because of your jealous girlfriend, wouldn't you know more about the details? To hear him tell it, she didn't say anything. She was "probably hurt," but he's not sure. He's just decided that he doesn't need to talk to any other women. It's really interesting, because just two days ago he told me how he's always had female friends.
Needless to say, I'm sure, I don't believe him. I don't think he talked to Sandy, but if he did I don't think he had this conversation. I think he's trying to make me think the situation is under control before I go to Phoenix. The guy really must think I'm stupid.
We'll see who's stupid :D
Now . . . if you were ending a wonderful, innocent friendship because of your jealous girlfriend, wouldn't you know more about the details? To hear him tell it, she didn't say anything. She was "probably hurt," but he's not sure. He's just decided that he doesn't need to talk to any other women. It's really interesting, because just two days ago he told me how he's always had female friends.
Needless to say, I'm sure, I don't believe him. I don't think he talked to Sandy, but if he did I don't think he had this conversation. I think he's trying to make me think the situation is under control before I go to Phoenix. The guy really must think I'm stupid.
We'll see who's stupid :D
Monday, May 28, 2007
Temptation
Last night my ex-boyfriend called me . . . about five times. He stopped on his way through town to stay at a hotel down the freeway a bit and, of course, to see me. When I got home he'd called three times and left two messages. He called two more times and finally gave up around 1:30 this morning. All I could do was lie awake and wonder how I could get out of the house to go meet him.
When the phone rang at 1:00 a.m., my boyfriend insisted that it had to be important if someone was calling so late. I got up to answer it, but no one was on the other end. A few minutes later, the phone rang again. Barry asked who it was, so I told him it was a guy I used to date. And I told him why he was calling at one o'clock in the morning. Why else would an ex call in the middle of the night?
This morning at breakfast, Barry asked me if I just said it was my ex-boyfriend to get even with him for the "Sandy thing." I had to laugh at that. Even now I think he believes I made it up just to make him jealous. He has no idea how bad I wanted to answer that phone.
When the phone rang at 1:00 a.m., my boyfriend insisted that it had to be important if someone was calling so late. I got up to answer it, but no one was on the other end. A few minutes later, the phone rang again. Barry asked who it was, so I told him it was a guy I used to date. And I told him why he was calling at one o'clock in the morning. Why else would an ex call in the middle of the night?
This morning at breakfast, Barry asked me if I just said it was my ex-boyfriend to get even with him for the "Sandy thing." I had to laugh at that. Even now I think he believes I made it up just to make him jealous. He has no idea how bad I wanted to answer that phone.
Friday, May 25, 2007
"Gone"
The young woman’s small hand shakes uncontrollably as she lifts the cigarette to her lips and takes a drag, inhaling deeply. Her dirty blonde hair is pulled back in a loose ponytail and wisps of hair have fallen out around her face. Though she repeatedly pushes them away with the back of her free hand, they fall right back and stick to her tear-stained cheeks. She sits alone, shivering, on the concrete steps in front of her apartment building, but she doesn’t feel the cold wind picking up as the sun slips behind the buildings across the street.
A few feet away, several police officers stand huddled together speaking in hushed voices. Inside the yellow crime scene tape stretched from the porch railing to the light pole near the curb and across the front of the empty lot next door are two more officers, both with blue booties covering their shoes. One officer is taking photographs of the scene while the other shines her flashlight into the grass, searching.
A news van is parked across the street with its satellite transmitter fully extended. The side door is open and a technician can be seen inside fiddling with the control panels. A reporter stands in the street in front of the scene waiting for his cue to begin, and the cameraman is a few feet away making sure the shot is perfectly lit and framed. As the reporter begins to speak, his words are carried on the breeze to the distraught woman on the steps. “The only trace of her is a pink toddler’s bike lying on its side, a tiny sneaker in the dead grass, and a chocolate ice cream cone melted into a puddle . . . ”
A few feet away, several police officers stand huddled together speaking in hushed voices. Inside the yellow crime scene tape stretched from the porch railing to the light pole near the curb and across the front of the empty lot next door are two more officers, both with blue booties covering their shoes. One officer is taking photographs of the scene while the other shines her flashlight into the grass, searching.
A news van is parked across the street with its satellite transmitter fully extended. The side door is open and a technician can be seen inside fiddling with the control panels. A reporter stands in the street in front of the scene waiting for his cue to begin, and the cameraman is a few feet away making sure the shot is perfectly lit and framed. As the reporter begins to speak, his words are carried on the breeze to the distraught woman on the steps. “The only trace of her is a pink toddler’s bike lying on its side, a tiny sneaker in the dead grass, and a chocolate ice cream cone melted into a puddle . . . ”
Driver's License
I renewed my driver's license today. The HORROR! This is, by far, the worst D.L. photo I've had in years. I'm all shiny, looking away, and FAT. If I believed in god, I'd pray to him that I don't really look like that. Here I left the house thinking I looked halfway decent.
So now I wonder . . . do I never look decent? Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants?!
I said something to Barry about the picture, and he said, "the last one was nothing to write home about." Why are guys so painfully stupid? I'm really annoyed by him lately. Not good. I've noticed that he doesn't even have to do anything . . . just BEing is enough sometimes. He's on his way here--uninvited. I guess he just thinks that I want to see him whenever he can get here. Oddly, that used to be true.
Now he's rushing to get here by a certain time on Saturday because I'm going to my mom's. He's just dying to go with me. I'm annoyed. He acts like he's going to miss something if he doesn't get here in time. Grr. The thing is . . . now that I know how he is around other people, I don't really want to take him anywhere. Let's see . . . he'll take over the television and tune into sports, he'll chew with his mouth open--smack, smack, smack, and maybe he'll eat an eye booger or two! Yeah, buddy! That's exactly the way I want my man to behave in public. If I'm really lucky, he'll join in talking shit about me with my mother. It'll be like a carnival!
I wish Verizon would come ON with the F-ing phone bill. It's six days since the end of the billing cycle, but there's still no bill available for viewing. It's unreal really. I can't WAIT anymore!
My goal before I leave for Phoenix in a week is to get this house clean and get my life in (something that resembles) order. It's amazing how that doesn't happen when I sit on the couch watching TV and checking to see if the phone bill's landed yet. At any rate, I've made some progress. Off to plug away at it!
So now I wonder . . . do I never look decent? Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants?!
I said something to Barry about the picture, and he said, "the last one was nothing to write home about." Why are guys so painfully stupid? I'm really annoyed by him lately. Not good. I've noticed that he doesn't even have to do anything . . . just BEing is enough sometimes. He's on his way here--uninvited. I guess he just thinks that I want to see him whenever he can get here. Oddly, that used to be true.
Now he's rushing to get here by a certain time on Saturday because I'm going to my mom's. He's just dying to go with me. I'm annoyed. He acts like he's going to miss something if he doesn't get here in time. Grr. The thing is . . . now that I know how he is around other people, I don't really want to take him anywhere. Let's see . . . he'll take over the television and tune into sports, he'll chew with his mouth open--smack, smack, smack, and maybe he'll eat an eye booger or two! Yeah, buddy! That's exactly the way I want my man to behave in public. If I'm really lucky, he'll join in talking shit about me with my mother. It'll be like a carnival!
I wish Verizon would come ON with the F-ing phone bill. It's six days since the end of the billing cycle, but there's still no bill available for viewing. It's unreal really. I can't WAIT anymore!
My goal before I leave for Phoenix in a week is to get this house clean and get my life in (something that resembles) order. It's amazing how that doesn't happen when I sit on the couch watching TV and checking to see if the phone bill's landed yet. At any rate, I've made some progress. Off to plug away at it!
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Dating a Truck Driver
Who'd have ever thought I'd be doing it? It's probably one of the stranger things I've done, but I can almost guarantee it would have never happened if he'd not lied to me in the beginning. Is that really as stupid as it sounds?! I suppose it is. I wonder why I trust this guy at all, and I've often thought he doesn't deserve it. I feel like I'm always having to check up on him, and I don't want a relationship in which I can never fully trust.
To hear him tell it, he should have regained my trust by now. I find that really interesting considering the fact that he's been less than forthcoming about conversations with his "friend" in Phoenix. I'm waiting to check the phone bill as soon as it's available, and I'm sitting here wondering why? Why do I want to live this way? What will one month without phone calls to or from her mean to me? What will one month with calls mean to me? I'm tired of having to be suspicious, but his behavior is too fishy for me.
Why would a man turn his cell phone off when he's with his "girlfriend"? Well, because he doesn't want his time with her to be interrupted, of course! Why would a man call his aforementioned "friend" while he's on vacation with his girlfriend? Well, he didn't call her--she called him! Besides, look at the time he talks to her compared to the time he talks to me. How dare I imagine that there's something untoward going on?! Why, when I come around the corner into the room, would a man flip his phone shut as fast as he could, as if he'd just been caught at something? I'm sure there's an equally convincing explanation, but I didn't ask the question. Why give him another opportunity to lie to me?
And so I ask myself... why am I with this guy? Is it the wonderful sex we have? Nope... that's not it! Is it the fact that he's so honest and trustworthy? Nope... that's not it! I'm annoyed. I'm tired of waiting for the perfect reason to break up. Maybe if we just ignore the problems, they'll go away :) (Nope... THAT's not it either!)
He's always saying things like, "we need to figure out what we're going to do with your house," and I can't help thinking that I don't want anyone to help me figure that out. I can't help thinking that it has little to do with the fact that he loves me and wants to be with me. I think it's more about attempting to position himself so that I can't live without him. He wants to move here... in with me, of course... and I don't think I can do it. If I live with someone, I'm going to need double the room I have now. Not half the room. And I'm not going to live with someone I don't trust!
I guess that's the next conversation we have. Ugh.
To hear him tell it, he should have regained my trust by now. I find that really interesting considering the fact that he's been less than forthcoming about conversations with his "friend" in Phoenix. I'm waiting to check the phone bill as soon as it's available, and I'm sitting here wondering why? Why do I want to live this way? What will one month without phone calls to or from her mean to me? What will one month with calls mean to me? I'm tired of having to be suspicious, but his behavior is too fishy for me.
Why would a man turn his cell phone off when he's with his "girlfriend"? Well, because he doesn't want his time with her to be interrupted, of course! Why would a man call his aforementioned "friend" while he's on vacation with his girlfriend? Well, he didn't call her--she called him! Besides, look at the time he talks to her compared to the time he talks to me. How dare I imagine that there's something untoward going on?! Why, when I come around the corner into the room, would a man flip his phone shut as fast as he could, as if he'd just been caught at something? I'm sure there's an equally convincing explanation, but I didn't ask the question. Why give him another opportunity to lie to me?
And so I ask myself... why am I with this guy? Is it the wonderful sex we have? Nope... that's not it! Is it the fact that he's so honest and trustworthy? Nope... that's not it! I'm annoyed. I'm tired of waiting for the perfect reason to break up. Maybe if we just ignore the problems, they'll go away :) (Nope... THAT's not it either!)
He's always saying things like, "we need to figure out what we're going to do with your house," and I can't help thinking that I don't want anyone to help me figure that out. I can't help thinking that it has little to do with the fact that he loves me and wants to be with me. I think it's more about attempting to position himself so that I can't live without him. He wants to move here... in with me, of course... and I don't think I can do it. If I live with someone, I'm going to need double the room I have now. Not half the room. And I'm not going to live with someone I don't trust!
I guess that's the next conversation we have. Ugh.
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